In My Mother’s Memory

I Love You by Tracey Rediker original art graphite pencil RedLincArt

Since my feeling of loneliness is a persistent problem, it should not a surprise that any interaction can amplify it. My mom is a looming catalyst as she was a narcissist and required me to use most of my energy to fill her needs. So now that she is gone, many of those feelings are still there when things related to her come up.

How many of you have a mom who died from cancer? Unfortunately I am sure there are quite a few of you out there. And how many of you have done a charity walk to honor their memory? Again, I am sure it is pretty common. Now how many of you had an organization put together a cancer charity race for your mom and have no interest in you being involved? That might sting a little, right?

The first race was held about a year into my mother’s diagnosis. My mom was heavily involved in the planning. She chose where the money was going. She asked me to do the art for the shirts. She asked me to run social media. She asked me to hand out flyers at my High School reunion! I only spoke to anyone in the organization when I contacted them.

The second race my mother was suffering and could not complete it. She was also barely involved in the organization, so they changed the charity to make it easier on themselves. Since I had been running the twitter and facebook pages all year I just assumed they would want me to continue. They started new ones as if they were never there.

The third year my mother had died. I only heard about the race because I followed them on their social media accounts. The event was completely turned over to the new charity. My step-father was asked to be involved but no one contacted me. I got a “thanks for coming” as if they were surprised I was there.

I am still hurt. I am an only child and my mother and I were very close. I was treated like a stranger, more so every year.

As far as I know right now, the race is not happening this year. Good riddance. It is not like you cared about me being involved anyway. When that feeling of loneliness are triggered by these types of situations I push back in this way.

Maybe I should have asked for a bigger role. Maybe my mom herself made it seem like I didn’t want to participate. All I can feel is the result, unwanted and unimportant. In the context of my mom. Unacceptable. The irony of her being overly needy is that it made me feel very important.

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