I am seriously thinking about going back on my anti-depressants.
You might ask why I went off. It was because I was feeling better and a friend encouraged me to do so. It also had side effects I didn’t like so off the medication I went.
As I started to explain a while ago, this has been a problem most of my life. I would have periods of significant sadness broken up by normalcy. Then I had my son. It was truly frightening how bad it got. I was crying ALL THE TIME. I would yell at my kids with such rage you would have thought they were killing people. They were babies, there is nothing they can do that should warrant that level of anger. One day I left my children while the cleaning lady was there and drove straight to the hospital. I spent a week in the psych ward where they started me on medication. Things got better.
One of the problems many people on psychiatric medications have is knowing whether it is you or the pill. There is no test that can be done by doctors to measure what is going on in your body. So I, like so many others, thought I could stop taking it.
And I don’t want anyone reading this and thinking I believe medication is the only answer. That is far from the truth. In fact, I think medication should be your last resort. I personally tried exercise, diet, therapy, light exposure, and so many other things that it is hard for me to remember them all. When these things didn’t work I went on medication. And it worked.
And don’t let them tell you that medication dulls your senses. On medication I was finally able to love my children. Yes, that is right, I did not love them and did not feel loved by them. Those pills allowed me to feel all the good things the depression had blocked. It was truly wonderful.
So, again, why did I go off these magic pills? I really thought I had this thing under control. And those damn side effects. Weight gain and lower lebido are no joke. And my ADHD made it challenging to stay on top of prescriptions. It was just easier to try not being on the meds.
Well, I tried. I have been off of them for about 2 years. While it is not nearly as bad as it was after my son was born, is that good enough for me to suffer? Not for me anymore.