Control… Never Gonna Stop

Today I woke up miserable. At 4 o’clock in the morning. And couldn’t get back to sleep.

Of course I didnt think about writing about it until now, but that is because I was too busy thinking. Which is what made me miserable in the first place.

I am a terror to myself and others when I am involved in planning any kind of event. Small or large, I fully immerse myself in the details and take on everything personally. Even if I am just bringing a dish to your diner party, is it the right dish? Will it be enough? Should I also come early to put it out and make sure it is heat to the correct temperature? should I put it in a nice serving piece so it looks pretty or would a disposable one make it easier on the host? And that is for one thing. Imagine me throwing a party.

So now I am just a few weeks away from the party I have been planning since the end of the last party I threw 2 years ago. And I started planning that one 2 years ahead of that date. You would think that I would have everything together by now, almost 4 years in. Oh no, there are still things left to do. Even on that day there are things to do. And during the event I will be stressed about the things that I notice that are not perfect. And I will push down my disappointment in myself for not being able to make it perfect. And I will not enjoy the experience, at all.

I want to let go. I told myself at the last one to let go. I can’t. And I will be disappointed that I did not live up to what I wanted. And that I can never get a second chance to make it perfect.

This is why I never have people over. Or make plans. Or have dreams. It is just too hard.

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