The struggle with pain

About a month and half ago I got up from my couch and was greeted by a pain in my lower back. As i went about my day, it got worse. By that afternoon I found myself in an ambulance on my way to the hospital, unable to move without overwhelming agony. I had 2 herniated discs and a tear in a third.

Flash forward to this morning. The back is feeling fine due to the assistance of an epidural steroid injection, but the pain radiating down my leg has yet to be tamed. My doctor has informed me that I have been too active and that I will only heal if I rest. So here I am, lying in bed, flat on my back, willing myself to heal as quickly as possible.

This is not my first bought with a significant health issue, I struggled with postpartum depression. In fact, now that I think about it, a lot of the issues i am having are similar. A feeling of hopelessness, wanting to get help but not knowing what or who to ask. Wanting to do things but finding them too difficult. Wanting people to hear me screaming inside my head.

I hate having to tell the people I love that things are not better than the day before. I see how sad my pain makes them. Will it ever be better or will I just stop telling people the truth about it? My husband told me his knee, which he has had several surgeries on over the years, hurts him every day. He rarely complains about it though because he knows people get tired of listening. That made me so sad for him, to have to suffer, alone, for the comfort of others. I hope I never get to that point.

So I am lying here, in bed, trying to find distractions until the hurt goes away. I can’t cook or clean, as per doctor’s orders. I can’t sit up for long periods of time, which makes knitting difficult. I cant even lie on my side in bed without pain. I can totally understand how people end up resorting to drugs just to get through the day.


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